2010-07-28 - Not Today

SOME TIME AGO

Sarah Zabiarov gets a voicemail! Or, possibly, a space voicemail.

"Uh... hey, Sarah, it's... it's me. ... Leo. Um... I'm going to be on the Minerva tomorrow, picking some... some stuff up, that's- that used- ugh..."

" Just... I'd really like to talk, again, if it's okay with you. So... if you get the chance, and you don't mind, if you could come by, uh, to... Rei's old room tomorrow, at like... 1400 Zulu, I'd... really appreciate it. Um... bye."

NOW

Leo Stenbuck arrived on the Minerva about half an hour ago, and went directly to the room of the late Rei Ayanami, tucked back far away from the rest of the barracks on the ship. And that is where he is now, presumably doing all sorts of ridiculous things that a screwed up lothario would do.

Conveniently, the door is now unlocked.

SOME TIME AGO

Sarah recognizes the number.

Sarah simply ignores it and goes back to sleep.

FORTY-FIVE MINUTES AGO

Sitting in the dark of her room, Sarah stares out the portal window into the dark, star-strewn void of space. In her hands are several folders worth of paperwork and reports. Among them, 'P.T.O. REQUEST' is typed on one folder. Sitting on top the folders is one marked 'LANCE-3: AYANAMI, REI.'

Zabiarov exhales and rubs her temple. She has work to do before it can all be finalized...

THIRTY MINUTES AGO

Leo boards the Minerva. Across the ship, Sarah is aware of his presence. The hand on her head presses her fingers a bit harder into her temple. "Not now..."

NOW

Sarah stands outside of the "late" Ayanami's quarters, green eyes staring at the door. She knows who is behind that door--and she doesn't want to go inside. She doesn't want to /deal/ with this, not now, and certainly not in her current state.

Why didn't she pencil her leave in earlier, Sarah thinks.

In her hands is an empty box.

Minutes later, the electronic door opens, and Sarah Zabiarov is standing there with a flat expression on her face. She'll quietly offer Leo very brief regard before she steps in and heads to the desk. Silently, the young Lieutenant will begin packing Rei's things up.

It's /really/ awkward.

It is, it /is/ awkward, because, as Sarah suspected - or, really, knew - Leo was already in Rei's room. Sitting on the bed. At his feet is a box, currently half-full with clothes; a pile of unsorted clothes sits next to him on the bed. Mysteriously, on the opposite side of him sits a small pile of bras. For some reason, he isn't packing those.

But it is /especially/ awkward because he appears to be crying.

He does his best to hide it, of course; when the door opens, he looks up and then almost immediately looks away, and spends the next few seconds wiping furiously at his face and sniffling. He gets himself under control pretty quickly, but no amount of redoubled self control can get rid of his red nose and swollen eyes.

It's a good ten seconds after Sarah enters, however, before Leo looks back at her as she starts packing up Rei's desk, and says, hoarsely, "Hey... thanks for coming."

Fortunately for Leo, Sarah seems to have completely ignored /everything/ about him currently, save simply acknowledging his presence with a look. Within what seems like mere seconds she's moving silently, going about her business. The sniffling and sound of cloth stirring behind her do nothing to earn her attention.

Sarah just moves like some kind of automaton, going through the necessary motions.

The only thing to break the silence is a hoarse comment from the young Jovian on the bed. At first, Sarah says nothing; instead, she focuses on placing a book inside the box, followed by a few more trivial and inconsequential items.

Surely, however, her hands pause, resting on the edge of the box. She does not turn to face him.

"I'm not sure what you're talking about," she states in a flat tone. "I'm here to collect Ensign Ayanami's belongings." She lets a silence hang before she just resumes picking up things off the desk and puts them away in the box. Slowly and a bit awkwardly, but moving none the less.

Well.

Once again, this isn't going exactly as Leo had pictured it. He shouldn't be surprised, he supposes; it never does, and anyways he hadn't been expecting to be crying when Sarah showed up, so really, the whole thing was fucked from the start.

Unsure of what else to say, Leo just goes back to sorting clothes. The next thing he draws out of the pile next to him is a t-shirt with the word 'ANGEL' on it inside a little rhinestone heart; he stares at it for a second, and then, despite himself, cracks a weak smile.

"I'm being transferred to the Fraternity Unit," Leo explains quietly, as he folds the Angel shirt (Leo is terrible at folding clothes) and puts it into the box at his feet. "They gave me a couple choices. The Minerva was on there, but I told them you didn't want anything to do with me, so..."

Leo sorts Rei's clothes. Sarah picks the desk clean, stuffing "useless" things into her box.

The silence is suffocatingly thick between them.

That is until Leo breaks that heavy silence with conversation. Sarah continues to remain silent all the while, simply moving, working, doing her job of cleaning out her former colleague's belongings. She remains as such even after he's spoken. That is until:

"That's good. I'm sure it will work out for you."

That's all she says. She doesn't say one way or another if she wants anything to do with Leo. At least she didn't mention his demotion in a painfully sarcastic and scathing fashion. She does, however, ask,

"Why are you handling Ensign Ayanami's belongings? It's our job to take care of it."

When Sarah asks her question, Leo lifts his gaze from the bra in his hands to look at her. "Rei... doesn't... didn't, I guess, own a lot of clothes," he explains, after a few beats. "And what she did have went up with Tokyo-03, after... after Third Impact."

"So I figured I'd come and get... some of these," he continues, gesturing at the box at his feet with the bra in his hands, like it was a God damn wand. "So that she'd have something to wear, if... when she comes back."

His position clearly adequately explained, Leo finally tosses the bra onto the bra pile, and picks the next piece of clothing out of the not-bra pile to fold and stow it.

Unfortunately for Leo, Sarah's back is still facing him.

He explains himself, but his words are met with--surprise--more silence from Zabiarov. Doesn't, didn't. If, when. He can't make up his mind, and he's obviously distraught over...whatever it is that happened. Still, the young woman moves, placing small items into the box. A notebook. Pencils. Some paper cranes left over.

Her hand pauses as her gaze settles on the folded creature.

"So...what, then? You can't just move on, like you have been?"

Tilting her head up, Sarah's green eyes lift to the ceiling overhead. Her tone is dull and listless as she wonders, "She's just another girl to you, isn't she? Last I heard I thought you were dating that Subota girl..."

A lifeless shrug follows, and Sarah carelessly drops the crane into the box.

Leo's physical reaction to the comment on who he's currently dating - which is to grimace and look down at his feet - obviously goes unseen, but the emotional reaction is strong enough to be instantly noticable,.. probably even if Sarah wasn't a Newtype.

"That was... Rei was dead," he explains, stress and anxiety creeping into his voice. "Latooni and I are still- but-" Gghngh. "It... it's complicated," Leo eventually settles on, dropping an only half-folded skirt into the box.

Rather than go silent again, however, he forges onwards, apparently desperate to get away from that topic of conversation. "I'm sorry about what happened," he says suddenly, looking back up to stare at the back of Sarah's head. "Last time we talked, I mean. I didn't... mean for it to go like that."

It's noticeable all right. The intensity of it is like a sledgehammer to the young Newtype's brain, Sarah actually flinching noticeably as she's caught off guard by it. The hand that once held the crane reaches up and rubs at the side of her temple. Coming in was definitely a mistake.

But she has a job to do, especially before her leave. Quietly she recovers before she picks up another belonging and drops it into the box. Then he explains further--and his emotions begin rising. Another flinch, followed by the tensing of her jaw in hopes of just weathering it out. Whether Leo is aware of it doesn't concern her.

Eventually, though, Sarah replies.

"Everything about you is complicated," she replies simply, her words discreetly laced with venom. "You never know what you want or /who/ you want." Finally--FINALLY--Sarah turns around to face him. Her expression is a distantly sour one, her thin lips pulled into a deep frown as she hoods her gaze slightly.

"What do you want, Leo? /Really/?"

Well, that's an awfully tough question. Leo stops mid-garment again, lowering a half-folded tank top onto his lap. He meets Sarah's gaze, a thoughtful frown on his face, for only a few seconds before he withers and lowers his head to stare at the box at his feet.

What he wants, as a total package, is a little too hard for him to figure out on such short notice, let alone explain. In a more immediate sense, of course... well, he thinks he can work that out.

"I just want to be friends again," Leo says. The misery in his voice is so thick you could cut it with a knife and eat it. It would be delicious.

Leo withers.

Sarah's expression remains unchanged.

A heavy silence lingers as Leo hangs his head. The young woman keeps her gaze on him, never once stirring from the Jovian as he considers what it is he /does/ want. In her mind, Sarah is pretty certain he doesn't know--and will never know. Not until he matures, at least. And then he speaks--and with his words come that palpable misery.

Sarah again recoils.

"I d-don't...even know if I can forgive you," she says bluntly, her words lightly strained. "Everything you've done...your behavior...the way you treated myself...others...

"Why should I forgive you? Tell me, Second Lieutenant."

Why should she...? Leo downright freezes up, just staring down at the box of clothes. He doesn't say anything, he doesn't blink, he barely even breathes. Why should she forgive him? It's not a bad question, he supposes. He hadn't ever really figured there'd have to be a reason, per se. But...

"I'm not Master Paptimus, Sarah," he says quietly, without looking up. "I'm not perfect. I try, I swear to God, I try, but I'm not."

"I'm sorry for all the things I did that hurt you," he continues, still addressing the box at his feet. "I never meant to. I'm sorry I'm so... so fucked up. I know that we can't... be... a thing, but... I want to at least still be friends. I care about you."

Leo finally looks up from his feet. "If that's not enough, then..."

"I know you're not," Sarah sharply replies. "But what...but what makes you think that I'd ever compare you to him?" Puzzled, the young woman's expression gives way to a look of exhaustion, green eyes drooping tiredly as she exhales. Her head hurts.

"No one is perfect, stop being so dumb," is ultimately her response.

Turning slowly back to the box, Sarah begins packing Rei's miscellaneous belongings again, callously dropping things into the box as she mills about. Leo speaks, and certainly she does listen. She just doesn't reply. Not immediately.

He's sorry. He wants to be friends. He cares. He's sorry.

Slowly Sarah's hand stills. Her thin shoulders sag beneath the A-LAWS uniform hanging from her body. It doesn't fit like it used to. It seems a touch baggier now; clearly she's lost weight.

"I have tried...many, many times to look inside myself, to see if I can forgive you," the young woman confesses. "And many, many times...I find it's an impossible task. I trusted you...and you..." Pausing momentarily, Sarah shakes her head and idly grips the side of the box.

"You just ignored me. Why? Because I 'spurned' you? You weren't even yourself after...after /she/ 'died.' You just ran to the next girl. Did you even grieve?? ...Now look at you. You had so much--"

Turning finally, Sarah faces him. Her expression is frustrated and sad.

"I /envied/ everything you had. I even thought...I even thought Master Paptimus liked /you/ better! But then you betrayed his...no, you betrayed everyone's trust! Now look at you!" Gesturing at Leo, the girl frowns deeply. "You've had your team taken away and you've been demoted and reassigned. I don't even know how convoluted and complex your love life has become."

A long, heavy pause falls upon the room. Finally, though, Sarah speaks.

"Leo..." she begins, her tone exhausted. "I'm going away for a little while. I need to figure out what's...'going on.'" A feeble gesture punctuates her uncertainty. She doesn't seem to elaborate. "I can't answer you now. But...after that...I will have an answer."

Leo remains still and silent while Sarah works through her feelings. It's obviously painful for him to watch, at least without saying anything, and indeed on several occasions he opens his mouth to speak before he manages to bite his tongue. Literally, in one case.

There's a long stretch of silence even after Sarah gives her answer - or, more accurately, delays it. Leo just stares at her, a sad expression on his face. He wants to give her a hug, or something, she looks so... so...

... but he doesn't. Instead, he bends down to pick up the mostly-full box at his feet, lifts it into his lap, and then rises off of the bed.

"I won't make excuses for what I did," he says, evidently attempting to convince himself as much as he is Sarah. "And if you... can't forgive me, then I understand."

"But even if you can't," he assures Sarah, "I'll always be there for you when you need me. Please remember that." He pauses for a moment to let the statement sink in, and then turns to approach the door.

"Goodbye, Sarah. I hope you feel better soon."

The silence from Leo is met with silence from Sarah. Looking worn out and tired, she just meets his gaze with hers. She's said her piece. It's his turn to reply now. Part of her is anxious to hear his response...but he's been a whirlwind these past months. So hard to keep up with--

She's just so /tired/ it's hard for her to care.

Finally, the Jovian speaks. Listening, she keeps her attention on the young man, observing as he rises and carries that box in his hands. His words catch her slightly by surprise. They weren't quite what she expected. Especially--

For once, Sarah actually tries and manages a tired, tiny smile.

"Thank you...hold on a second."

Turning back to her box, the young woman pulls out a few things she would think to be sentimental. A book, some random papers, that folded crane. Then, with these in hand, she approaches and reaches out, to offer and place them in the box for Leo.

"In case...Ayanami comes back, give her these. Clothing is nice and all...but it'd be nice to have something besides." A weak shrug follows before the young woman salutes. Then, quietly, she adds,

"I'll see you after my time off with my answer. Maybe...you should speak with Master Paptimus..? He can help you, I think."

Assuming Leo will be on his way, Sarah will offer a small, awkward wave before she turns to finish gathering the last of Rei's inconsequential personal effects.

Leo turns back when Sarah asks him to wait; the surprise on his face is evident when she approaches and places the things in his box (which is a sentence that sounds extremely dirty out of context). It is also followed by Leo, very briefly, looking like he's about to start crying again.

It passes after only an instant, though, and instead he just smiles weakly. "Thanks, Sarah," he murmurs, with a small nod. He lingers a bit longer than he really needs to after she turns away again, staring at her back...

... and then turns with a heavy sigh, opens the door, and steps through it. The door whooshes shut behind him.