2010-05-06 - Interview with a Panda II

SOMA'S ROOM

A POINT IN TIME

Tessa Testarossa has had a few awkward days since last she saw Soma - including a moment when the Whispers came upon her, guiding her hand in remote-controlling a mobile suit in actual combat using programs she hacked together in under ten minutes. She would be prouder if she had not angered Rachel, and although Tessa cannot be certain why--

No. She has some idea, doesn't she?

Perhaps it's because of that restless worry that Tessa reappears in Soma's room today - having heard of the somewhat cataclysmic session the girl had with Cagalli, though the blonde seemed ill-inclined to supply details.

The usual procedure; knocks on the door. The guard summarily asked to wait outside, Tessa showing that same possibly overfull confidence that she showed to Soma last time. And Tessa steps inside, hands folded in front of her, and does not sit this time, instead saying: "Good evening, Miss Peries. Have you been well?" There was definitely -something- strange in the air that night. Soma could sense that something was going on, but she wasn't able to reach out and tell just what it was. It bothered her, but she mentally marked it down as being the work of a Newtype on the ship. She's very good at telling that there are weird mind powers at work, but not quite as good at reading just what they are from a distance. Up close is another matter.

Ever since that conversation with Cagalli, Soma has been even more quiet than usual. She's spent most of her waking hours sitting on the cot, staring at the door. It probably unnerved the guards a bit, but at least she was behaving, right? When the door opens and the guards file outside, Soma looks up. "Captain Testarossa." She blinks several times, slowly. She doesn't look horrible, per se, but Soma does look... fatigued. She's slept enough, but some thoughts have been weighing heavily on her mind. She doesn't -think- she's afraid anymore, but other things have begun to bother her. "That depends on your definition of well, I suppose. I am physically in good shape." Not excellent shape... just sitting around doing nothing for a few days isn't really good for her.

Camille Bidan could hear them once - at close range. And he may be the most powerful newtype of his generation. It's not an easy thing - but the Whispers are of the Sphere, of the consciousness, and so those with the right senses at the right time can hear them, as a murmuring from afar.

Tessa's eyes widen slightly with worry - real worry - as she sees Soma's face, and murmurs, "I'd read the report, but I didn't think..."

She takes a few steps further into Soma's ten feet of personal space than is strictly necessary, before stopping herself from actually rushing to Soma's aid - awkwardly coming to a stop with her hands folded uneasily in front of her.

She'd thought it odd that Soma had refrained from even doing basic physical exercises that don't need equipment - situps, pushups, something to pass the time. Especially in the last few days, when she'd stopped doing much but staring morosely at the walls altogether. The guard reports have started declaring shifts on guard duty to be rather unnerving.

/Not/ their words.

Still, when Tessa sees how tired Soma looks, she guesses the source pretty quickly, especially after what Soma says. She sighs, head tipping to one side sympathetically. "I'd heard you had a troubling discussion with Cagalli...I didn't know it would affect you like this. I'd've come by sooner. Do you want me to get you something...?"

It's difficult for Soma to do nothing. It's very true, even when she has nothing else to do, she usually falls back to basic exercises. The past few days, though, she's gone without. She can't even explain why... she just hasn't been able to muster up the motivation. This is very odd, for someone who never needs motivation anyway.

When Tessa comes closer than expected, Soma tenses slightly. Maybe this is it? But nothing bad comes, only that worried look... which is almost as bad as anything else. "The discussion was not troubling. It was enlightening." Soma sits up a bit straighter, looking directly at Tessa. "I now know what your opinions are of someone like me." The 'your' there is meant to be the plural... she means the entire operation of Katharon as a whole, not Tessa specifically. "I do not understand how you can live by such hypocrisy, but I know now."

"My opinions?" Tessa asks, a little tensely; She already has a rough idea of how badly Cag messed up, but is surprised at how deeply she stung the prisoner. "I think you're a little more troubled by this than you're telling me, Miss Peries." She smiles, and it's warm and understanding, because Tessa is a warm and understanding person. "I've met people - a lot of people, like you. And I know that for you to stay quiet in a situation like this means you're quite deeply worried."

She takes a slow, deep breath. "Please tell me what's wrong. I think...maybe it's time I explain some things to you?"

Golden eyes shift toward the door. She half-expects the guards to re-enter at any moment should she make any wrong moves. That smile especially throws her off... since she has formed a certain opinion over the past few days and Tessa is immediately coming in and acting completely different.

"It is not wrong." Soma pauses, thinking this over. "Or perhaps it is. I have merely become aware that you only see me as human when it is convenient. Otherwise, you see me as an aberration that is in the way." Unconsciously, she crosses her arms, almost as if she's hugging herself. "China is the same way. You are on the side of justice only for those people for whom you wish to be. Everyone else is wrong." It's somewhat simplified, but this is what she gathered from her conversation with Cagalli.

Tessa is very good at throwing people like Soma off their game. It is, perhaps, one of her most dangerous skills.

"...it could be said so," Tessa says, with an uneasy sigh. "What is justice? What is right? In this world, it's not an easy thing to answer. For the Chinese - many of them wish to be free of the EFA. But by the EFA's rules, they cannot be. We support them in that, but in order to set them free, we have to fight and kill people...even innocent Chinese who are only fighting to preserve their country as it is." She seems genuinely unhappy when she says it: "I wish that nobody had to die. I do everything I can to make sure as few people are hurt as possible. But to support what we think is best for the world...yes. We do fight. And we do..." Again, that unease. "...kill. And to do that, we do choose to call what we do, justice." Her eyes relock on Soma's, if she can: "That isn't hypocrisy. That's just...our battle."

"The same could be said for you, Miss Peries," Tessa says, still hovering just slightly closer than she did before - standing, except suddenly she kneels down, and then squats opposite the super soldier, her legs folded neatly in seiza for about ten seconds before she whimpers and settles for an awkward cross-legged approach. Apparently she is not very good at seiza. "I think you underestimate how complex your situation is. Would you please allow me to explain it to you?"

This is... not the same at all. Soma tilts her head curiously as Tessa speaks. "That is not what I came to believe." She thinks over Tessa's words for a moment. "That is your opinion. I do not agree with it, but I can accept it." How much of what Cagalli told her was wrong? "You fight for a cause you believe in. I was brought to believe that you picked a side and fought for it while declaring everyone else wrong." Soma lowers her head slightly, looking directly at Tessa's feet. Are those shoes really proper for being on a submarine? "I know that not all the Chinese people like the EFA's rules. I understand this. I believe there must be order, though. A militant uprising will not accomplish anything but the deaths of many involved and many not involved."

Tessa approaches again, and Soma flinches visibly this time. She looks up, right into Tessa's eyes, then down again as the Whispered sits. Well, she isn't Japanese, after all. Soma won't fault her for finding a more comfortable position to sit in, though she -is- very close and that makes her nervous. "...explain it to me, then."

"That's what fighting is," Tessa says, with a bitter little smile. "In its simplest perspective, that's what everyone's doing, isn't it? But things are rarely that easy."

Apparently, she decides, Cagalli did not inherit even a little bit of her father's eloquence. Damn.

But she sees Soma's discomfort. She's not sure when she got any closer. As far as she could /tell/, she was standing still ---

She knuckles down and scoots back a little ways, trying to give Soma the distance she wants. "We aren't here," she says, plainly, "to debate that." Because if they started to, it would /never/ /end/.

So instead, once Soma seems at peace with the distance between them, Tessa says: "I believe I told you before that you were an anomaly to me. I guess I should tell you directly." A moment's hesitation - a final chance to break off, before she finally, with a breath, taking the plunge: "I have spent a fair bit of time studying the processes used to create Cyber Newtypes, Extended, combat cyborgs, and more-or-less every sort of augmented human. I am something of an expert. And Miss Peries, the chemicals they use - the treatments, the cybernetic regulators, they're all...they all have a common effect. You referred to the individuals we retrieved as people we had put to death, but that's not...right." She knows she's entering into deep water here. She progresses anyway. "Augmented individuals are rarely classifiable as 'people' in any consistent sense. Violent psychosis is common. Delusions. A psyche sometimes held together with little more than a string and a prayer. In short, they are, almost without fail, little more than dolls to be used until they burn out and can be thrown away - if they live that long. That is no kind of life, and /that/ is what we save people from."

Another slow, deep breath. "And that is what you are not. I have never seen someone like you, Miss Peries." ...and then she pauses, eyes tracking down, briefly, before returning with a softer look. "Or, rather...I have. Individuals born and raised on the battlefield - tested, time and again under fire. I have a few people like you under my command." She offers a little smile, though she's not really sure how this is going to be taken. "They are some of my most trusted, reliable men. In my eyes, you are quite human, Miss Peries. But I hope you will pardon me, being so curious about who you are."

It wasn't so much the proximity that bothered Soma as the suddenness of such. She didn't expect Tessa to come right up in her face. The captain backing away a bit does help her calm down some, though. Why did that bother her? Soma doesn't have a huge sense of personal space, though it is there. She rarely touches others or lets herself be touched--Louise Halevy being the only exception to this point. She does nod once at the admission that the war in china isn't the topic at hand. It's true... and the debate could last a long time without either side giving much. She doesn't agree with the opinions that Tessa has put forth, but at least they aren't so concretely adamant as to rub her the wrong way.

When Tessa begins to talk about her, Soma politely remains quiet. She listens. She nods occasionally, knowing of some of the special treatments. While she does have nanomachines in her body, they are more for physical regulation than mental. They help her heal faster and make her much more adaptable to low- or zero-gravity environments. Although it was never tested, some of the scientists at the Institute hypothesized that she could survive in the vaccuum of space for up to ten minutes. Considering Soma was the first, and thus far only, successful Super Soldier subject, no one was willing to risk her to test that theory.

Augemented individuals are not classified as people. Soma tenses, opening her mouth to protest... but holds herself back. Not yet.

No kind of life. Soma presses her mouth into a thin line. She can't very well keep silent. "Then what of Ralla Raln Triald? Was she not a person before she awoke as Rachel Miu Athha? Was Lieutenant Triald and everything she did only a shell devoid of humanity?" Any questions Soma might have about herself are soon addressed, as well.

Once more, Soma opens her mouth, takes a breath. Once more, she pauses. "Have you or have you not? You sound like you are comparing me to a life-long soldier." Her glance shifts toward the door. The guards, maybe? "In that case, you may be correct. But..." Soma looks down again, fixing her eyes on Tessa's. "Does that..." She pauses. Soma isn't sure that she wants to ask the question that forms in her mind. "Then among Cyber-Newtypes..."

Another pause. She doesn't want to ask the question. She doesn't want to know. And yet.. she -has- to. She has to know. She has to ask. "Then, if you are telling the truth... I am truly alone?"

"I can't attest to her state before she came to our care," Tessa says, plainly. "But Rachel," she says the name completely unadorned, as one would a good friend, "has extreme emotional control problems, extreme swings of her state. And of course, had never experienced many emotions until she came to us. In that way, I would say no. She was not a complete person. But that is...the thing, I suppose. Perhaps as with China, we look at this from two very different angles, Miss Peries. You see the erasure of what existed before, and say that we have killed. I see putting back what was taken away - attempting to restore the faculties and capabilities that the extension process destroyed. Therefore, I say that we have not killed, but rather, revived. The person they were before was incomplete - broken, by someone else. You are right in that the person they were changes drastically, because...the person they were was merely a shadow of what they had the potential, and I feel, the right, to be. Let me put it to you another way - You are alarmed by the possibility that someone on this ship would take you into some back room and chemically or psychically alter your psyche so that, for instance, you are no longer capable of fighting. Would that be a fair statement?"

Soma meets her gaze.

Am I truly alone?

She shuts her mouth with a click, trying to think of how to answer this question.

"I..." she says, slowly, sensing the weight in those words, and in that moment fails to express the concept as gingerly as it needs to be. "...have heard of no other such succesful extensions. In a phrase..."

Her face is full of sorrow. "I'm sorry, but from what I know, the answer is yes."

The description of Ralla.. Rachel... is met with a slight frown. She knew Ralla Raln Triald. She knew Ralla was a person. She knew... and yet, Rachel had told Soma herself that she was still the same person. The same, but different... and Soma believed her. It did feel that way, even if she could never explain it.

The very concept of it was frightening, though. "But what if you are wrong? What if it is a person? An incomplete and broken person, by your admission, but still a person. How is it more right to choose one over the other? The original or the broken?" Soma isn't sure she likes where her own line of thoughts is going.

She locks eyes with Tessa again. She can feel the sorrow before she sees the expression... or she thinks she can, at least. "I see." There are no tears. There is no sadness in Soma's face, though she does look down. "I--" She pauses, feeling a tightening in her throat. She's hurting, but she doesn't want to show it... she makes every attempt to not show it, but she's not used to emotional displays, and even less used to having to suppress them. "Then I really am all alone."

Tessa continues to give Soma that mournful look. What if I am wrong, she asks...

"We have done all the research that can be done safely," Tessa says, watching Soma's uneasy face. "We've concluded that our view is the right one. We can chase ourselves with what-ifs forever, but..." A quiet sigh, hands folding in her lap. "Based on the facts we have, it hasn't seemed to be a question that needed answering. Until now, we have simply never encountered an individual stable enough to make it worth any doubt. If you were an ordinary extended soldier, you should have tried to kill me many times, by now. The sheer emotional and cognitive instability of such individuals makes the question moot. Anyone like that should be receiving psychiatric care - we simply put them in an environment where they may receive it."

She says it with a smile, and a warm, but very firm, voice. This is her dedication - this is her belief. It is a fact, barring the irregularity of Soma.

Her eyes track low. She knows Soma won't like any of the information she's given. But she can just about feel the sorrow of the Super Soldier, even through her own refusal to connect. Soma is a prisoner, she reminds herself. Soma is a /stranger/, she reminds herself. Soma is a super soldier and can tear you in half, she reminds herself.

Soma is a true and loyal friend, a small part of her that doesn't belong to her reminds. Soma is an honest girl who doesn't deserve this kind of sorrow. Soma is in pain. Soma is...

Tessa doesn't really think about it when she lunges the short distance between her and the Super Soldier and folds her in her arms until about three seconds after she has done it. "They've done," she says, quietly, "something awful to you..."

Research.. part of Soma wants to know more about this research that has been done, what the results were, and whether she or anyone she knew had been the test subjects. A small part of her doesn't really care right now, which may surprise her when she thinks back. "I have -wanted- to kill you several times. But what good would it do me? I would be dead soon after if I so much as laid a hand on you." She thought the same about Cagalli, how she would have loved to strike down the princess of Orb... but the guards wer ein the room at the time, and Soma is not stupid.

It's true that her sorrow is almost tangible. Soma has a way of sometimes projecting strong emotions... it comes of being a reasonably powerful Cyber-Newtype with little in the way of control training. It's also why she hasn't yet got the hang of using bits or funnels or the psycommu system for anything but basic movement of the Psyco Gundam.

Soma doesn't really want to look at Tessa right now. She's still busily studying the floor between herself and the captain, trying to mentally pull herself together. She shouldn't be -depressed-. She was a Super Soldier. The -only- Super Soldier. She was -unique-. She was... she was alone. And thus she does not notice Tessa's motion at first. In the back of her mind, Soma feels a tingling sensation, warning her of trouble, and she looks up just in time to not be able to do anything about the young submarine captain latching onto her.

Soma noticeably stiffens as Tessa's arms go around her, hands remaining at her side. Really.. how can she react to something like this? Even when Louise hugged her, it was never so suddenly! "..." The Super Soldier is rendered speechless. Part of her hates the contact. She wants to shove Tessa away, to be alone, to not have a hated enemy show sympathy for her.

And part of her just wants to cry, and she doesn't even know -why-. The two parts fight with one another for a few moments, Soma's hands moving just slightly... then dropping back down again. She lowers her head slightly, chee just barely touching ash blonde hair, and a single, very soft word escapes her lips, "...why?"

She wanted to, but has not. That is the key - the difference that means everything in the world. She remembers Takuma - shrieking in fury because she'd asked just the wrong question at just the wrong time.

But that conversation is now over. Tessa finds herself wrapped halfway 'round Soma and tries her best not to panic as what she has done begins to sink into her head. Kalinin gave her a rough idea of what to expect from melee with an elite soldier, once. It came down to 'don't do it.' And here she is, hugging a complete stranger. Why? Her thoughts move quickly.

Because Soma sits at a perfect storm of Rachel's lingering influence over her thoughts. This is the reason she concludes first, almost instantly. Her control over herself is quickly recovering following the incident with Rachel; she by now has found most of the odd habits Rachel gave her and has mostly weeded them out...unless she decided to keep them. She doesn't recall Soma, but perhaps it is Rachel's thoughts that still give her some desire to help the girl. But no, it's more than that. Isn't it?

"Because you're hurting," Tessa says, just past Soma's ear, voice lowered to a more intimate volume for the proximity. "Because...I've hurt you. Because this is the only thing I have to give you."

Why? The simple question echoes in Soma's mind after she says it. Why is Tessa hugging her? Why is Tessa being nice? Why isn't Soma breaking her in half? Or at least tearing off two or three small pieces? She probably could, given the guards ar eout of the room. She might even survive until they come back to check on her... at which point she'd probably be gunned down. Or worse.

Because she's hurting. Because Tessa hurt her. Because it's the only thing she can give. Soma opens her mouth... then closes it. Her eyes close as well, and she's silent for a moment. Tessa can probably feel her arms moving, as Soma lifts them slightly... then drops them again, and repeats. Louise has hugged her before. Louise has clung to her. But it was because she needed comfort, not to give it. Being hugged to give her comfort is a completely new concept for Soma, and she just has no idea how to handle it. "This... these feelings..." She can't even explain it, so she just stops trying to, remaining still with her eyes closed.

The Whispered do not really broadcast at all. It's why they exist so free of detection - they show themselves in other, subtler ways. But the resonance is open, and particularly now, with Tessa empathizing with Soma, some part of her wanting to understand the girl - wanting to ease her pain. She can sense that pain...and the confusion. But Tessa is not fully in the throes of those emotions; when she gets a taste of Soma's feelings, she clamps down hard on her own resonance, rather than letting herself be tempted by the union. Out. Stay out. I'm me!

"You're lonely," Tessa tells her, because she thinks Soma needs to be told. "You're afraid. You're sad. You don't know what to do with any of it...right?"

Tessa just holds her, her head spinning a million miles an hour. This is it. This is her chance to connect. "Nobody's watching," she says, quietly. "Just try it once...just this one time, let someone be here for you."

As far as Soma knows, Tessa is just an ordinary human. If she was more calm, she might be able to sense something out of the ordinary. Possibly. Maybe. On a good day. Whispered are really hard to detect, especially since Soma has never encountered one before. She -might- have felt that sudden barrier being put up... except Soma is not really paying attention to those things right now. Passively detecting someone that resists passive detection isn't exactly something that's going to happen often.

Lonely. Afraid. Sad. Confused. All those words do describe Soma. She does nothing at first, but after a moment... she nods, slowly. All of the above. She doesn't want to acknowledge it, but she is feeling all those things. Perhaps not the same way a normal person might... but she feels them.

No one is watching. Soma opens her eyes and slowly glances toward the door. No.. it looks like there isn't anyone trying to peek in. She hesitates. Slowly, Soma lifts her arms. Slowly, they move.

And swiftly, her arms clamp around Tessa, tightly. Almost -too- tight, as Soma isn't used to this sort of thing. She says nothing. She makes no noises. But she squeezes the little captain with all her might.

Tessa asks a physically-augmented peak-strength supersoldier to release her boiling emotions into and against Tessa's body.

She does not realize this was perhaps unwise until Soma finally, finally accedes to her request, and Tessa emits a small squeek as she feels the uncomfortable crush against her ribs and back. It hurts. But...

But she succeeded. Maybe tomorrow Soma will still be bitter and doubtful - maybe she'll have second thoughts, or any of a number of other events. But for now, Tessa can be here for a hurting girl, and maybe can show her that that release isn't so bad. She squeezes back, reassuringly, and says nothing.

There's answers she wants. Revive Revival. Louise Halevy. Soma's duties. WHY was she even IN the Psyco Gundam? Questions she should have asked. Questions she should ask as soon as possible.

Not now. Soma needs her right now.