2010-06-15 - The Id

Investigating NERV from the shadows is a sordid affair. It can be said that Johnny Domino's time as an Agent was nothing but preparation for his ultimate project: uncovering the truth behind Gendo Ikari's little operation.

Calling upon every favor he secured in the past, pulling every trick in the book, chasing leads across the globe -- Domino had been very busy with his little obsession. It would have been so much easier had Kaji simply revealed everything to Johnny, but the older man decided, for whatever reason, to let Johnny do most of the work. Providing tiny morsels of information, most of which are simply more hints for Domino to crack on his own, Ryoji Kaji proved to be both the greatest asset Domino could hope for, as well as one of the most frustrating parts of his personal investigation.

Thank god there were others who looked into NERV and were a bit more forthcoming about sharing details. People like Latooni, for instance.

Yet despite the intricate game of cat and mouse Domino found himself playing with NERV -- a game where the roles kept switching around at a staggering pace -- there were times even the most seasoned Agent had to return to the basics. A time when an investigation called for a simple, intimate examination. Johnny Domino has reached this point now.

Standing within Rei Ayanami's old apartment, the Agent soaks in the environment. There was no database to be hacked here, no people to interrogate, no leads to chase. It's just Domino and the walls. What stories could these walls tell?

This was the apartment where Rei lived. The second Rei, that is. What was life for her in this place? Johnny tries imagining, conjuring up the image of Ayanami from his mind's eye, mentally leading her around the flat. Her wardrobe would be limited, her possessions nonexistent. She would begin the day with a shower. Did she care if the water was warm or cold?

She would dress - most likely a school uniform. What would breakfast consist of? Water. Bread. And she would lie on her bed, and she would stare at the ceiling, and... and... and. What stories could the walls tell?

The Rei that lived here was not the same as the Rei that Domino came to know. If Johnny could find a way to preserve Ayanami -- her soul, as it were -- would that mean he could similarly save the souls of the other Reis? Or are the others lost forever? Or perhaps... there was only one he could save. Only one who could live.

Would it be okay if the one to ultimately survive was the second Rei? The Rei that wasn't 'his'? That's what Johnny is here for, to see with his own eyes what the second Rei was like. What essence did the girl leave behind her in the apartment?

The answer is: 'not a lot.'

At least, that's the answer to someone accustomed to halfway-normal living. The truth is, though, that even though this apartment has gone unused for months, what precious little remains have been gathering dust here are pretty much a good portion of what Rei had to offer. She left behind her school uniform. A box of bandages, brittle and yellow and caked with dark scabs of dried blood, is another remnant. A simple set of cookware. A single plate. A single glass. If the spectre of Rei is to be found in the details of her apartment, it casts an image of her that is almost crushingly devoid of...

...well, of all the things that Rei-3 had to learn on her own. Through people like Johnny.

"You know, it's a faux pas to go snooping around people's houses without permission." When Johnny arrived, the door was unlocked, even if all evidence pointed to no one having been in there in forever. The door stayed unlocked. And that's how Kaworu Nagisa gets in. The undeniably handsome teenager strolls into the tiny efficiency apartment casually, hands stuffed into his pockets. "To say nothing of the legality of it, Johnny."

The silver-haired boy smiles broadly.

Johnny Domino is startled when Kaworu Nagisa breaks the silence. The young man hides it well, but he is startled nonetheless. There were precious few people who were aware of the significance of this place, and fewer still who cared.

Turning his head to look at the newcomer, Domino already prepares an array of scenarios this little encounter could lead to. Was NERV on to him at long last -- assuming it wasn't already aware of his actions? Or would this prove to be related to Leo Stenbuck? Would Johnny Domino have to talk his way out of this? Fight? Escape? The deeper down the rabbit hole the Agent goes, the more these extreme scenarios appear likely. He should take neither NERV nor Leo Stenbuck lightly, and be prepared for anything.

Except that the moment Johnny Domino lays his eyes on Kaworu and realizes who he is, everything changes. Johnny did not sense Nagisa before, but now that he has become aware of Kaworu, something inside Domino becomes aware of the teen as well. Something that lay deep and dormant within the Agent, but is now pulsating with a semblence of vitality -- not unlike the automatic jerking of a frog's legs due to the introduction of an electric current.

Johnny Domino knows who Kaworu Nagisa is. He got his hands on the dossiers of the new NERV pilots. Toji, Kaworu, Mari... he thought nothing of them before, seeing their flat, inanimate picture. But now with Kaworu standing there in person, Domino feels differently.

He feels as if he had known Kaworu his entire life.

The kind of rapport Johnny spent endless months building with Rei Ayanami takes less than a second to materialize out of thin air in regards to Kaworu. On the spot, the Agent feels completely at ease. Gone are the initial scenarios of doom. And what's worse, Domino finds absolutely nothing wrong with it.

"You'd be surprised," says Johnny, returning the smile. An outsider would be struck by the staggering amount of familiarity in Domino's tone.

If Kaworu is struck at all by what the Agent feels, the youth keeps it to himself. (Like Second, like Seventeenth.) His expression is a placid smile, but there's a flicker in his eyes -- of knowledge, maybe, or of mischief. Certainly, his hand is not immediately tipped, even if Johnny feels like that might be the case -- there's more to what Kaworu is than what he /is/.

"Would I?" Kaworu asks, his tone genial and friendly, but not overly so. Kaworu walks over to Rei's old bed -- this depressing thing with one sheet and one pillow and a brutal metal frame and a saggy crappy mattress -- and sits down at the edge of it, humming for a few seconds while he looks around.

"God," the boy says to the older man.

"If I had to live in a place like this, I think I'd just... kill myself."

At the sound of Kaworu's comment, Johnny Domino chuckles despite himself.

"What a coincidence," he says. "The person who used to live here went off to die."

Even though Rei Ayanami is very dear to Johnny, and even though he only met Kaworu for the first time less than a minute ago, Domino feels no misgivings about discussing this matter in such a flippant manner. It's as if someone turned a dial inside the Agent's head. But which dial? And what is it pointing at?

"I suppose you two may have some things in common."

It's an innocent, albeit somewhat morbid, comment. Or is it? As he says this, Johnny observes the younger Nagisa, taking in his handsome features. That pale complexion, the red eyes, the hair...

The smile doesn't disappear, nor does the familiarity.

Kaworu continues looking around the room, eyeing the... lack. The paucity. Of everything except for the foreboding, alien atmosphere of a place where happiness was probably never really felt. When Johnny talks a little bit about the past owner, red eyes slowly turn toward him, reaching him in a complete stare at the note about similarities.

As if to underline how different the two are, though, right then, Kaworu blinks.

It takes him a second to answer, though. The young man with the silver hair rolls the response around in his mouth before speaking it -- his lips move without opening, his tongue clearly slides over his teeth beneath them. He seems to be looking for exactly the right note to strike -- and then he finds it.

"So?" Kaworu asks, pleasantly enough but betraying absolute and complete indifference.

As Kaworu blinks, Johnny tilts his head. There is absolutely no connection between the two actions, though, other than good timing.

The tilt is a slow, delicate action that isn't too easy to spot with the naked eye. The longer Kaworu stares at him, the longer Domino finds that he can't look away. Nor does he want to.

When the teen finally brings down the hammer, Johnny Domino very nearly giggles. A chortle builds up inside his throat, and for a time it appears as if the Agent is beside himself with an immense feeling of satisfaction. His smile becomes toothy, accompanied by a complete shifting of weight, as if the young man was trying to lean back and bask in the moment.

Taking a deep breath and letting the air settle in his puffed lungs, Domino eventually comes to a exclaim:

"Yes."

Unlike Kaworu's pleasant indifference, Domino is purely pleasant, through and through. He also seems to find nothing amiss with his somewhat odd response.

Johnny's response earns one in turn from Kaworu: the boy's indifference seems to peak as he rolls his eyes and turns his head back away from the Agent. After a moment, he lays back onto the bed, draped across it with effortless elegance. His eyes close.

"Why is it that you're here, then?" Kaworu asks, with a sort of bored curiosity in his tone -- like someone reading a magazine at the dentist's. He may not entirely care, but the opportunity is there, and there's nothing more constructive that will be achieved with the time anyway. Or -- that's the impression he gives off, anyway.

"If this person is dead, I don't know what standing around in their old home will tell you about them. But you're not here for them, are you? You know everything you're ever going to know about them. You're here to find things out about yourself." Kaworu's eyes stay closed, and his arms reach above his head in a lazy stretch. "You must feel strongly about them. I bet you feel hurt that they're gone. Or you regret something that you can't fix now. Am I getting warmer, Johnny?"

Domino maintains a steady gaze locked on Kaworu. Nothing seems to break the spell as far as the Agent is concerned - not Kaworu's blunt indifference, nor him averting his gaze, nor when he finally lies down on the bed. In fact, every cue from the young Nagisa that would have cooled other people's enthusiasm do not matter a feather or a fig to Johnny Domino.

Indeed, there is something asymmetrical about the attitude the two boys display towards one another.

When Kaworu next speaks and begins prying into Domino's personal affairs and feelings, Johnny... lets him. What few people have ever been allowed to get away with, Kaworu Nagisa accomplishes with no effort whatsoever. "She's not dead yet," says Domino. There's no indignant denial in his voice, only the warm proclamation of an obvious fact. "She will be if I don't help her. But She's not dead yet." Johnny Domino trusts Kaji to have been truthful when the older man shared with him this one vital detail.

"She's very important to me," he continues. Looking away from Kaworu, the Agent begins walking towards one of the walls. "I want to give her a chance. Wouldn't it be great if she had that chance? She never had a choice, you know. Not before," because of Yazan, "Not now," because of Gendo. "Wouldn't it be great if I don't have to lose her?"

Stopping by the wall, Domino raises a hand and touches the cold surface. This wall belonged to the other Rei. Would it still be great if this other Rei ended up getting this chance Domino wants to bestow upon /his/ Rei?

Kaworu stays laid back, arms stretched out, looking serene in his quietude, like he may have secretly fallen asleep while Johnny was talking. The noncommittal "Mm" he offers does not seem to point one way or the other in terms of answering that question. Or any other, really.

"But..."

Kaworu's eyes slowly open, as if he were rising from slumber. "Why stay focused on the past? I know you're pretending that it's about the future... but you don't care about giving anyone else in the world who might die that kind of chance. Just her. Because she's important to /you/. It's not about the future, or her. It's about you wanting to regain the feeling you had when she was around."

Kaworu's analysis of the situation is calm and non-judgmental. He sits up, running a hand through his hair and briefly scrunching his eyes shut, like someone recovering from extended sloth. "Besides. Giving people second chances at life... who gave you that right? Have you even thought about the implications there, Johnny? Because you're basically playing God."

Domino keeps his hand pressed against the wall, back to Kaworu. The teen will be unable to see Johnny's reaction to the various questions posed and the conclusions being made. It doesn't help that Domino remains silent once Kaworu finishes talking.

This could have well shifted the tide. Nagisa's pointed commentary may have struck way too close to home, causing Domino to recoil and bristle against this frank analysis. Any minute now he will turn a cold gaze on Kaworu and offer a biting remark.

"You're right."

Johnny admits this with a light heart, his voice containing no trace of venom. Removing his hand, the Agent turns back to the albino. His lips have been molded into a lopsided, easy smile.

"I want her back by my side. Pretty selfish, huh? But if she's gone, she will leave a very large hole in her wake." Domino leans back against the wall, mulling over the matter outloud. "It isn't just her, though. It doesn't matter who - if someone close to me is gone, they will leave a hole as well. I would do my best to keep that from happening."

"She was already brought back once, you know? Oh, wait. Two times. Funny thing to forget, two times. So when you put it like that, someone out there has already played god -- and succeeded." Deciding that the wall really isn't where he wants to be, Domino pushes away from the artificial construct and begins advancing on Kaworu.

"But is that really playing god? If it's possible for us to accomplish, that doesn't sound very godlike at all. Do we have any right to cure diseases? To fly to the skies?"

Without asking for permission, Johnny Domino sits down on the bed next to Kaworu. The Agent feels comfortable sitting there, even as he lays down his heart for Kaworu to see. There are no inhibitions, so much so that Domino explains himself with eloquence that isn't often present.

"I could try to come up with justifications and complicated reasons... but I'll be honest, I flunked philosophy." Johnny amuses himself with that comment. "Besides, I don't think you need me to try and explain myself. I'm doing it because I've been given the choice... and I want to take it."

Kaworu doesn't look over at Johnny when the older man sits down. He doesn't seem to be looking at anything in particular -- his head is pointed at some spot on the floor, but he's clearly not looking at it. What he's focused on is almost immaterial. He seems to be at once paying attention and not -- but not in the same way that Rei managed, where one had to look at her and second-guess if she was even listening. In Kaworu, both extremes seem to be apparent at once, and reconciled so effortlessly that it doesn't even seem strange.

Johnny tries to reason out his stance, his position, and Kaworu listens. His head dips into a very gentle nod here and there, as if to confirm that he's aware of his surroundings. When Johnny finishes, Kaworu's lips quirk into a smile.

"So you're just going to do it, then. If you can." Kaworu laughs softly, looking over at the Agent for a very slight moment. "No concern for the consequences. No concern for what it might do to the people around you. No concern for what it might do to /her/. Just you. You and your wants." It doesn't sound like Kaworu is adopting a judgmental pose in saying all this -- more like he's simply narrating some stream-of-consciousness movement through the words Domino just laid out.

"Funny that you should compare it to curing a disease." Kaworu glances over at Johnny again, and creeps his lips into a small smile, but the smile and glance both end quickly.

Then, the boy stands. He slithers his hands back into his pockets, and looks back at Johnny, standing in one of the thin rays of light that the apartment lets in through its dusty, dingy blinds. One wonders if Rei ever drew them. "The real question, Johnny... is what happens when you bring her back, even though she doesn't want it, and then refuse to even validate it when you keep denying her your heart?" Kaworu's smile returns. "I can think of few things crueler... so it really does sound like playing God to me."

Kaworu turns and begins to walk toward the door. "We'll talk again. Soon. But right now, you need to think about what sort of power it is that you have at your fingertips... and whether you should be using it as carelessly as you desire."

Kaworu doesn't wait for a response. He just goes, same as how he arrived.

Just as Kaworu had listened to Johnny, Johnny listens to Kaworu in turn. The Agent drops his head to a lazy, horizontal position, tilted sideways so as to look at the pale teen while the latter speaks. Domino, however, does not listen to Kaworu the same way Kaworu listened to him.

There aren't any nods of acknowledgment or noises of understanding coming from the young man. Instead, his eyes are open wide, an intent glimmer within them indicating that the Agent is paying very close attention to what Nagisa has to say. Every sentence is considered, every word etched in the Agent's memory.

There is something so captivating about Kaworu's voice.

When the teen stands up to leave, Johnny doesn't move to stop him. He remains seated, looking up at the younger Nagisa with a look that can only be described as affectionate. Taking a deep intake of breath, the Agent slowly sways from side to side, watching Kaworu depart. He is really glad they had this talk.

With this sensation in mind, Domino falls back onto the mattress with a flump, taking over the position Kaworu previously occupied. Lying on his back, Johnny looks up at the ceiling, his mouth twitching in a smile that keeps melting and reforming. Even if his feet remain firmly planted on the ground -- or floor, in this case -- the Agent is deep in his own little world.

And as his blue eyes look past the ceiling, Domino begins to raise his hand, the limb creeping higher and higher, into the young man's field of vision. He spreads his fingers, eyes coming into focus.

"Power at the tip of my fingertips, hm?"

He turns his palm over.

"My wants," he says to himself, voice as light as his expression. "My desires."

The Agent lets his arm drop back to the mattress. He sighs in contentment.

And then the feeling begins to fade away. With Kaworu's presence rapidly filtering out of the room, Johnny Domino finds the warmth he felt a moment ago dissipating. He is alone, lying on a dirty bed in an empty apartment. Johnny blinks a few times, regaining his senses. The smile on his face melts for the last time, replaced by a scowl.

Johnny Domino sits up straight, glaring in the direction of the door. With Kaworu gone, there is only one word on Domino's mind -- and on his lips.

"What."