2010-03-31 - Colliding Circles

Tokyo 03 Hospital is like all major organizations in the city, owned and monitered by NERV. Everytime a pilot cut himself, he ended up in the squeeky clean halls of this hospital. Likewise, anytime Rei almost died, she was brought here to be saved time and time again. By that respect, this hospital looked like it was doing a pretty awesome job. It also helped that their employee of the Month was always the same older blonde cat lady who handled most of Nerv's research.

Shinji lays in his bed in one of the securer parts of the hospital. He has just woken up after a few days rest, looking around with a glass eyed expression as his eyes adjust to the light. "Mo---" He frowns when he realizes it was just a dream. Just a dream he has been having since he was brought down here. "ugh...What time is it?" Shinji still thinks it's Sunday or at most Monday. He doesn't realize he's been here for several days, recovering from the mental trauma that battle left on him. He sighs, staring up at the ceiling. "I don't recognize this place."

Rei Ayanami has had a weird few days. She's barely slept -- but to look at her, how would anyone tell? The circles under her red eyes are maybe a little darker, but that could just be the unnaturally harsh lighting endemic to hospitals. She went back out into space, but now she's back. Something about tests needing to be run. DNA samples taken. Rei submitted to them without complaint. Like always. It does mean, though, that she has some time to see a friend.

A friend who has mostly been sleeping for the two hours that Rei has been there. Rei stands at the foot of Shinji's bed, gazing down like some sort of obscene statue placed right in his line of sight. She blinks right when Shinji awakens -- possibly to ensure that she won't have to for the length of their conversation. She's in full A-LAWS uniform. Today, this even includes a little grey A-LAWS beret. It looks sort of silly on her.

"You're in the hospital, Ikari-kun," Rei says, simply, quietly. She never had much of a bedside manner. "You've been here for three days now."

Shinji is not alarmed when Rei is seen hovering above him. This wasn't the first time she appeared over his bed. The thing that does make him jump was that amount of time that's passed. "3 Days?! What happened?" Shinji frowns as he reaches up to touch the top of his head, feeling bandages wrapped tightly around it. "Rei...I don't remember what happened after I got hit by that acid. Did we win?" Shinji looks at her hopefully.

Finally, Shinji's slender frame sits up, looking around the room. "Rei...Didn't you need to go back to your other base?" There is a hint of disappointment in his voice. He didn't want the girl to go.

"Your Evangelion went berserk," Rei says, again not bothering to soften the blow -- and yet, coming from her fragile little monotone, it's a bit like a merciless smack from a pillow rather than a backhand. "Your rampage allowed me the decisive opening necessary to destroy the Angel using GN Evangelion Unit-00X."

'GN Eva--' What the hell is /that/?

"According to the reports on this clipboard, you have been moving in and out of consciousness unreliably since. That is to be expected after such an incident. I am glad you are not permanently damaged, Ikari-kun." The way Rei says it -- she's either so guilelessly plainspoken that she absolutely means it, or she's so bored that she's just pushing the words out carelessly. Her thoughts are her own.

"I was recalled to the Geofront for a necessary DNA test, possibly to do with the new modifications to 00." Rei hasn't moved in this entire time. "Space travel is extremely efficient when NERV wishes it to be so."

"It went Berserk again?" Shinji's eyes drift off to the side. He listens to Rei's report and nods slowly. Either Shinji was taking in the words as he nodded or he was drifting off again. "I see. I'm glad it turned out okay....Noone got hurt, right?" Shinji frowns at the thought, wondering what he was dreaming about now.

Shinji flinches as he remembers himself crying about something earlier. Was the malfunction really that bad? No...this felt like a much older wound.

"Well, that's nice." He doesn't sound that thrilled, knowing he has to go back to therapy sessions as soon as he's out of here. "Rei...What if I died...Would anyone have cared?" Shinji asks with a slight fear in his voice. While he wants to truth, he doesn't want to hear 'no'.

"Oh. Well I'm glad you stopped by then." Shinji smiles slightly, wondering if she was about to leave.

Rei doesn't respond to the comment about the Eva going berserk again. If one were to apply the logic of Rei's usual attitude to this lack of response, it would probably surmise that because Rei had already clearly stated such, there was no need to do so again. Indeed, Shinji seems to understand. She has nothing to further illuminate it, anyway.

"The Angel was destroyed. Some units, 00 included, took incidental damage in the process of containing you. You should not worry yourself." It's advice dispensed without maternal care -- it's not chicken soup for the soul so much as tepid coffee from a buzzing machine. Rei's neutral expression fails to take on any recognizable shape. She also neglects to move. Shinji is talking to -- a robot, almost. But she's not. She's breathing. She's flesh and blood. But--

"If you had died," Rei recites, as if this were laid out for her on cue cards, "Toji and Kensuke would take the news hard. Asuka would, I suspect, react negatively, but refuse to acknowledge such. Captain Katsuragi would likely be devastated, as I feel she regards you as a surrogate child, based on what I know of this sort of relationship." Rei pauses there, before adding, as an afterthought, it sounds like, "I would also care."

Shinji sighs when he hears the damage "he" caused. Why did he have to pilot such a unstable machine? It wasn't like he got anything out of it. Even when he tried to do well, it never went well. He just got flack for every mistake he made no matter how hard he tried to make it right. There was always someone like Leo Stenbuck there to make him feel bad.

"Rei...Sometimes, I don't think it would happen that way. Sometimes I think it would be just better if I didn't wake up." He sighs and attempts to smile but fails, just sliding back down into the bed. "Thanks though Rei. I'm sorry I'm keeping you from getting back."

"I made some progress to do better...I made some friends...and it still just ends up this way. Why?"

"You aren't inconveniencing me," Rei states. Her blank nature -- when she says something so simple, it could be read any number of ways. Is it exhausted? Sarcastic? Annoyed? Bored? Patronizing? Or is it just what it is? Rei's attitude is often in the eye of the beholder, because she projects no value of her own for them to hook into. Still, Rei finally moves, and maybe that's her way of coloring a toneless statement. She steps around to the side of the bed. Her arms still hang at her sides.

"You aren't able to view your situation objectively," Rei states, as if this were not a suggestion or an idea but just flat-out unimpeachable fact. "Things would not be better that way. You are unhappy." Rei feels like she shouldn't know this. A month ago, she probably wouldn't have. But she's spent that month -- going over her past life, watching it, obsessively, like a film strip, looping it over and over and over again, building some sense of how emotional relationships work through the evidence she has, shorn of her own emotional investment in them.

Besides, she already knows about unhappy. That's the one Rei could spot a mile away.

"Perhaps you are letting your unhappiness dictate the outcome of your efforts," Rei says. She doesn't offer any sugar to sweeten the rather grim sentiment. She doesn't even offer any sentimentality, either. "You maintain a pessimistic outlook, and thus failure fulfills your expectations."

Shinji frowns when Rei uses her usual tone. It was so hard to read this girl sometimes. She just didn't register like other people. This meant it was impossible when to continue a topic of conversation or when to end it. You just never knew until Rei finally reacted in direct way, such as slapping someone right across the face. This was why Shinji just usually chose to be silent before deciding whether to press on.

"Objectively?" Shinji stares at her and sighs again. "Maybe you are right...I just can't see the world in a positive way...Not after everything. I mean I'm making steps into getting better but...I...." Shinji thinks of his father and frowns futher. "I just don't know."

"If that's the case...How do I do it Rei?"

Rei Ayanami was not entirely prepared to be asked that. When Shinji does, though, her thoughts turn to suicide, as they have rather often lately.

"Ikari-kun," Rei says, quietly, softly, gently. Her face -- moves, not forming a distinct expression, but seeming to bend very faintly, into something that wants to be a frown but isn't quite there yet. It's not so much a change of expression as a change of feeling, visible only because it shows any kind of feeling at all. But -- what feeling? Sympathy? Pity? Sadness?

Love?

Rei Ayanami, in the space of a second, thinks about all of the things that she has to do before she dies. She's come to accept death. She's scared of it. She doesn't want to die. But she knows she will, and she knows she has to. But part of the reason she's kept Shinji out of that loop -- part of why she's put the burden on Leo instead -- is that... she doesn't want him to have to feel her pain, in addition to his own. She really does wish Shinji could be happy. But she knows that what she intends to do will probably just end up hurting him more.

"I don't know, Ikari-kun," Rei whispers, fingertips touching the edge of the bed, just barely. Her voice is somewhat thin, watery, like a radio broadcast that's losing reception. "Maybe..."

Rei looks away. She doesn't meet Shinji's eyes for a long moment. She stares down at her hands. Then, after that horrible, elongated pause, she looks back up. Her eyes are so full of vague, indeterminate feeling. She emotes without a specific emotion. She feels, without being locked into a feeling.

"Maybe you need to decide what your purpose in life is, Ikari-kun." Rei knows her purpose. It's why she's got to do what she's going to do. "Not... what others say it is. But what you say it is. What you /feel/ it is." That stress on the word 'feel' -- it stands out. Because it's the first time Rei's broken her metronomic speech pattern this whole time.

Shinji watches Rei with a frown. Something about this reminds him of the way he must look at times. That unsure posture with a wavering voice that can't find what amount of confidence to put behind it. Shinji just watches Rei and part of his heart breaks. He feels like he did this to Rei.

So before Rei can react and pull away, Shinji does the boldest thing he's ever done. He tosses his arms around Rei and pulls her into an embrace. It wasn't a sign of romantic intentions as Shinji's head rests in Rei's skrawny shoulders. It was more like a little brother hugs a older sister. How a son holds a mother.

Shinji says nothing, just holding Rei for a moment as he continues to just listening, focusing on her voice with a slight wimper. "Rei...I...I want to protect those who care about me....I want to protect people like you...I just don't know if I can. I know my purpose is something but I really want it to be to protect you and Asuka and Misato and everyone....I just don't think I'm meant to like someone like Leo is. I'm not strong enough and I never will be...I don't care what I'm meant for. I want to make sure you never get hurt again." Shinji finally pulls back slightly, looking at her with teary eyes. "I'm sorry...You just looked like I must...and I wanted to do something like you do for me."

When she's embraced, Rei doesn't really react in any negative way. She also doesn't react in any positive way. In fact, she barely reacts at all. Par for the course, though, isn't it? When Shinji nestles against her, Rei just stares straight ahead for a moment, as if she's not sure whether this is really happening. The only immediate response she gives is a brief undulation of breath, an exhalation that can be heard -- as well as felt, warm air on Shinji's neck. It almost seems out of place that Rei's breath would be warm. Her flesh, too, even if most if it is covered by the rough-and-ready fabric of her A-LAWS uniform.

SOME TIME AGO

Leo doesn't know what's worse; the fact that the suspicions he had about what this new Rei was - innocently planted in his mind by the Man from Jupiter - were correct... or the fact that Rei, the real Rei, /his/ Rei, wasn't even the real Rei at all.

It's an unimportant, trivial thing, he'll tell himself later... but now, in the darkness, scared and confused, it's world-shattering. The weight on his heart grows and grows, until it's unbearable, and suddenly Leo can't take it anymore.

Heedless of any thought that it might be selfish, that the gesture might be wanted, he pulls Rei against his bare chest and wraps his arms around her, burying his face in her hair. It's not really Rei, he knows that. But she's so much like her, and he misses her so much... the temptation of holding her again, one last time, is too great to resist.

NOW

Rei looks down at Shinji's neck, at the black hair she can see from her vantage point. Her arms slowly come up and her hands awkwardly touch his sides. It's as if she didn't know how to hug -- like this was her first time trying. Like she'd seen it in movies and read about it in books, but never...

"Ikari-kun... you can't... measure yourself agains Leo, or anyone," Rei says, slowly, carefully, not wanting to mess this up. "You aren't God. You talk like you want to take up the burden of the entire world... but right now, that's not your choice to make. You have to live for yourself, Ikari-kun. You have to know who you are, not who you're not. Then... you become stronger. And you can do what you need to do. And you can protect the people you love. Because you're not Leo. Or Asuka. Or your father."

Rei's voice is a gentle whisper, barely carrying. "You're you. You just don't know it yet."

Shinji looks up at Rei, focusing on her for a moment. "But I don't care about myself...I mean I care about others but its just so hard to like me. I constantly screw up and cause trouble for others...That's probably why he left me back then. I'm not worth anything, Rei....So if I can die protecting those around me, it won't be a waste...I don't think there is much more hope for me than that....I don't even remember..."

Shinji's mind returns to that long hallway and the woman smiling at him. He pauses as that smile enters his mind. It just stands there for a moment until suddenly he feels very small.

SEVERAL YEARS AGO

"Ikari, this is not a nursery school. Today's a crucial day!"

"I'm sorry, Professor Fuyutsuki. I'm the one who brought him."

"Yui, this is your experiment today."

"That's why. I want to show my child the bright future."

NOW

Shinji can't remember what he saw in that dream but the idea seems to bring tears to his eyes. "Rei...I just want you and everyone else to be happy...That's what I think I want my self worth to be."

Rei's hug grows more physical, and accordingly, more awkward. Her hands move from Shinji's side to his back. It still comes across like she doesn't know what she's doing, like she's uncomfortable, like this is somehow... new to her. She hugs like a child.

"Don't you see that that's a dead end, Ikari-kun?" Rei whispers. She knows it is -- because it's how she feels, too. She has to put herself last. She has to put everyone else first. She's doing what she's doing for them. And it's going to cost her everything.

It is, indeed, a dead end, in every sense of the term.

"You can't... you don't have the power to make everyone happy, Ikari-kun. It's something that everyone has to do on their own. Including you." Rei's hand grazes Shinji's back -- she realizes after a moment that with his hospital attire, she's slipped her hand into his gown, and is touching bare flesh. Embarassed, she flinches and suddenly pulls her hand back. "No one can do the impossible. No one should want to die. If you regard yourself so poorly, Ikari-kun... how /should/ we feel about you...?"

Shinji sighs as Rei's words, remaining silent as Rei goes on. He doesn't notice Rei's awkwardness at first, just sighing to himself. It was nice to just be this close to someone. Human contact was something Shinji never felt to any degree. It wasn't as if his Aunt and Uncle were any warmer to him than his father was now.

"I don't know...I just want the people I care for to be happy. I don't care if that means you get back with that jerk, Rei...I don't care if Asuka continues to yell at me....I just want to mean something when this is all over. Otherwise, what is the point...To exist for someone I just don't think is worth anything...I probably see less in myself than anyone else."

"I don't know Rei...I don't know. I have friends who I think are some of the nicest people I know...but once they realize who I am for real, they'll move on. I just...want to mean something."

Rei Ayanami has, in her current configuration, been alive for a little over a month. She has, in this month, grown considerably, and learned to make a lot of tough choices. She has taken the pain from these choices and accepted it. Pain comes with choosing the right thing, sometimes. She knows this, and can handle it.

But what about when choosing the right thing causes other people pain?

This is something Rei's forced herself to confont lately with increasing frequency. To save the world from pain, she has to cause it in the people she loves. She already knows that Shinji will hurt when she's gone. She can't let him abandon his life -- his future -- the future he'll be able to build for himself, once he's out of his father's shadow --

Rei closes her eyes for a moment. A long moment, but a moment nonetheless. "Ikari-kun," she says, her voice still soft, quiet. "We'll never stop being friends." This is true. Rei starts slowly. She has to work herself up to this. It's hard. It's so hard.

"Does that not mean something, that you mean something to me?" Rei wants to stop herself there. But -- her friend is so sad. She can feel the dull ache of Shinji's loneliness in her stomach. She can relate to it. She can feel it as if it were her own. Like thunder and lightning.

"I'll always be there for you, Ikari-kun," Rei says, voice so quiet it's almost a hiss. She hates herself right now. She hates what she's doing. But she can't cause Shinji any more pain. But she's lying to him. She's lying through her teeth and she knows she's lying. "And no matter what you do, or who you become, that will never change." Rei closes her eyes again, the hug tightening, more from tension than any kind of affectionate grapple. Rei knows that when she dies, when NERV dies, when Shinji is left without her and without the Evangelions and maybe without Misato and maybe without Asuka and maybe maybe maybe -- she knows that he'll be in pain. More pain than he needs. Maybe more pain than he can handle.

And it'll be all her fault.

Two tears slither out of Rei Ayanami's tightly closed eyes. She can't stop them.

Shinji feels tears well up in his eyes as the embrace tightens. It was almost as if Rei was squeezing the tears out of him. It feels as if this is goodbye in some way. The way it must feel when two people truly connect. The way it must feel when you have family.

Even when Misato almost claims Shinji as a son, Shinji still feels a distance between them. There was this gap that had to be there since Shinji was still a subordinate at her command. There was still a chance that Misato might send Shinji to die or that something might happen. Shinji understood this gap between them. He never meant to connect with anyone...That was why Shinji locked onto this with Rei. Rei was different. Rei was practically the only family Shinji could care for with everything.

"It means everything Rei but....I just....When I was a sarcastic jerk to everyone, I was trying to push them away. Trying to make sure that when the moment came, I could just leave and know that I did something I'd be remembered for....but really, I just fear getting close to people. But I always knew that wasn't me...It never is. I'm really not as mean as my father. I care too much about everyone else and not about myself. I don't want to be universally loved....But I want to be loved....I want to have family like Kensuke and Toji. I just want to be something to someone...But that leads to pain and I don't know if I can handle it."

Shinji graps at Rei's uniform, crising the fabric in his hands. "That's why...I don't want you to go. I tried following you to A-Laws. I know I don't belong there. I know Leo hates me. I know that my father picked him because of that....But I don't want to lose you Rei. So while I want you to be happy...I guess, I really don't want to lose the only family I have."

Shinji finally lets go and stares at his bed, sighing deeply. "So I'll try to be stronger but I don't think it's possible for me to see myself the way you see me....Just like you probably don't see yourself the way I see you. Domino said you were weird and hard to talk to...But I don't see that. You are the easiest person to talk to."

When Shinji lets go, Rei still doesn't really know what to say. Her eyes are still closed. Those tears are still wet on her face, shiny trails amongst the pale porcelain of her skin. Her head droops a bit. In her sadness, her beret looks even sillier.

His words just kind of wash over the blue-haired girl. She hears their meaning, the general intention, even if she loses out on the specific sentences. Things flow around her, and she gets the jist through osmosis as much as anything else. Johnny Domino spoke about her? She's not sure what's going on anymore. She just has to pull herself back from--

Rei Ayanami is staring down a cliff and the water below is black and she's not sure if it's even there and she's not sure if it's deep and she's not sure if there are rocks and she's not sure of anything but she knows that if she jumps, she'll die. And she has to jump.

But just.

Not.

Yet.

Rei's eyes snap open. She reaches up and wipes her face. She doesn't blush, but she's clearly embarassed. Normally, she stares everyone she speaks to dead in the eye, like a doll, like a painting, like a puppet. But right now, she can't. "You won't ever lose me, Ikari-kun," she says, the biggest lie of them all.

Why is she doing this to him? Why can't she stop?

"I have to go, though. But, Ikari-kun." Rei finally summons up the nerve to look Shinji in the eye. Her voice is full of... something. Indeterminate, flavorless emotional mush. Pain and camaraderie sound the same coming from her. Everything's just a different pitch of a metallic hum. There are no colors, no notes, no music. "No matter where I am, no matter what happens... we'll always be family."