2010-05-03 - The Fifth Meal

Leliel came and Leliel went.

In the aftermath of the twelfth Angel, NERV kept all those who came in contact with it under observation, subjecting them to all manner of physical, mental and metaphysical tests. Some of these tests were standard procedure - something everyone affiliated with combating the Angels had to undergo at least once every once in a while. Other tests, however, were far more serious.

Almost everyone involved in the battle -- or should we say, 'battle' -- were eventually released after less than a day had passed. Not so for Johnny Domino. Not long after the initial battery of tests on his person, the young man was placed in isolation, away from prying eyes. Those not in the know considered this move to be a result of the Agent's fragile state of mind. It was no secret that ever since his return from the lietral bowels of Leliel, Domino had done very little but sob and vomit.

Those who were in the know, however, know the truth: Johnny Domino was suspected to have been contaminated by the Angel.

Johnny, for his part, was too detached from reality to really comprehend all that was happening around him. Despite the word 'contamination' thrown over his head multiple times, the Agent failed to register it. He simply did as was requested of him -- whenever someone did, in fact, request something rather than physically force him without so much as a 'by your leave' -- until there was no longer any reason to keep Domino in confinement.

Perhaps Gendo ran out of excuses, or perhaps Ritsuko couldn't find anything conclusive, or perhaps both. But eventually Johnny was set free. Maya and Mistao, both women feeling far more sympathetic to the Agent's plight than Dr. Akagi, were there to greet Domino when he emerged from one of the many laboratories in NERV underground. They smiled at him and spoke to him and tried to cheer him up. Johnny, in turn, acted like a hollow puppet.

Under Misato's suggestion that he eat something, Domino was shown to the Geofront cafeteria. That's where he's been staying at for the past hour.

The place is empty at this time of day. Only a single tray of food sits on a single table, the salad and drink occupying it remaining untouched. Domino is sitting on the floor, far away from the tray, back leaning against the corner of the room. His arms are wrapped around his stomach, his head bend low. The Agent is shivering in silence.

In the aftermath of Leliel, Johnny Domino was not the only medical curiosity -- but then, when has Rei Ayanami been anything but?

After the Evangelion was brought down off of its veritable cross and the plug recovered, it was quite a shock to find the state of the girl. Gibbering mindlessly, for one thing -- that one wasn't a shock, though, to Gendo Ikari. He knows what he's doing. The real shock was her physical condition. You can do a lot of things to an Eva -- rip limbs off, blow up their heads, tear them in twain -- and the pilots will feel it but not /fulfill/ it. Their bodies are not the Evas'. But when Rei was hauled out -- she was bleeding from her hands, her feet, from her side -- her wounds mirrored exactly those inflicted to GN Evangelion Unit-00X.

It's as if Rei Ayanami was blessed with stigmata.

She got treated and examined and examined again and treated again and examined a third time and then released. Now, she doesn't really know what to do with herself. Rei has been walking through the halls. They gave her a wheelchair -- her feet hurt so much -- but she abandoned it as soon as she turned a convenient enough corner. She wears her A-LAWS uniform -- boots, duster, beret and all -- as she moves into the mess hall. Something compels her.

Rei stands there in the doorway for a long moment. NERV eats better than the Shirogane's slop, but not that much better, considering the state of the world's crops. Rei moves vacantly. The line is non-existent, and Rei actually has to wait a few moments for service, because frankly, none of the staff expected anyone to come to the counter.

Rei orders, receives, and then turns on a heel and walks over toward Johnny Domino. She saw him as she entered, but only now advances. Her face is dull and lifeless. Not like it was the other day. She seems tired. Rei goes to where the Agent is hunched, and then quietly and carefully sits down. Her hands are bandaged thickly. It's only thanks to the miracles of NERV superscience that she can use them so soon -- or that she can use them at all. It was as if huge jagged spikes had been driven clear through them.

Rei sits close to Johnny, but not too close. Gingerly and gently, she reaches over to tap him on the shoulder, and then silently holds out an individually-wrapped raisin cookie.

Johnny Domino is far too lost in his inner anguish to notice Ayanami as she enters. When he first arrived to the cafeteria an hour prior, Misato was with him. After seeing the state Domino was in, Maya was far too heartbroken to keep hanging around him, and so Misato was his only companion.

The older woman kept up a cheerful facade, talking to Johnny about the various things he could order at the NERV cafeteria. The Agent, for his part, acted a lot like Rei during that time. His responses were minimal, his face a dull wasteland of puffy eyes and dirty cheeks.

After Misato put in an order for him, she left the young man to his own devices, thinking that perhaps he'd appreciate some peace and quiet. And so the Agent sat at one of the tables, staring through the salad Katsuragi gave him, and did nothing. After fifteen minutes he moved to hug himself. After twenty minutes the shaking started. After thirty, the Agent had abandoned his seat, retreating to the corner he sits at now.

The cafeteria staff saw him, of course. Their philosphy seemed to be far from compassionate, however, as no one made the effort to check up on Domino, or otherwise summon a responsible adult.

So it comes to pass that only once Rei touches his shoulder does Johnny snap out of his fitful reverie. His shivering lessens after his body jerks in surprise. Beginning to turn his head around, Johnny's motions are slow and uneven. It's as if Domino isn't quite sure what he should be doing -- as if he has forgotten how to properly move.

When his blue eyes finally come to rest on Ayanami, revealing to her his pathetic demeanor through his unwashed hair, the Agent says nothing. Does he notice her bandages? Who knows. There's an extended period of silence, one that remains unbroken even as Johnny eventually unwraps one arm from around his stomach. He reaches for the offered cookie, the path his arm takes being as hesitant and uneven as when the Agent had turned his head.

When the cookie is claimed, Domino lets his arm drop in his lap. Just like that, as if the supply of energy to his limb got cut off. Holding the cookie but doing nothing with it, staring at Rei but saying nothing to her... this is what Leliel has managed to reduce Johnny Domino to.

When Johnny accepts the cookie, there isn't much else Rei does for a while. Her red eyes follow his movements -- watching his hand close around the cookie, watching him pull his arm back slowly and shakily, and settle in his lap. It's sad to watch, but Rei doesn't let any sadness show. She watches with the neutral eye of a scientist -- as if Johnny hasn't had enough of those today.

Their eyes meet, though, and Rei -- well, Rei remains Rei. She's a monolith, featureless and imposing, so opaque that her inner machinery remains a mystery. The last time they sat together, she smiled and laughed. Now, though, she does neither.

What Rei does do is lean forward and bring her own arms up. Again, slowly, carefully -- not unlike Johnny's own tentative reach. Skinny limbs that are just starting to find their strength wrap around Johnny Domino's shoulders, taking advantage of his hunched position. Rei scoots closer to make this hug possible. She dips forward; her hair touches his, her forehead resting gently against the side of his skull. Rei doesn't say anything, still, but her eyes close and she breathes calmly and evenly. Her breath is warm. Her touch is warm.

Seconds pass. Maybe minutes. Maybe no time at all. "Eat," Rei whispers, not budging from her position. "You need to."

How the tables have turned. One day Johnny is the one hugging Rei and giving her food, the next day it's the other way around.

Domino doesn't shy away from the contact when Rei initiates it. By the same token, neither does he seem to welcome it. The young man remains passive to the world. He might as well be dead.

Then words.

A change occurs when Ayanami speaks. Johnny blinks, his stare becoming a little sharper than before. Something within him stirs and wakes up at the girl's voice, much like how her voice managed to reach him while the two were held inside Leliel.

Domino moves his head. He doesn't break the contact with Rei's forehead -- his head is being tilted downward, to look at the cookie, not sideways and away from the girl. Staring at the chewy treat in his grasp, the young man takes his time, processing the sight at a snail's pace. Similarly, it takes time for Domino to follow through with Rei's advice.

Johnny's other arm, still hugging his stomach, starts by slowly relaxing. Another minute or two, and the Agent pulls it away from his midsection, letting both hands rest in his lap. Then, at long last, he takes action: with heavy, tired fingers, Johnny Domino begins unwrapping the raisin cookie. The soft sound of crackling cellophane fills the cafeteria as the Agent tugs at -- and ultimately rips -- the packaging.

A tiny bite is taken. Domino looks at a random spot on the floor as he chews. His eyes, seeing and unseeing, return to their dulled state from before, the sharpness Rei stirred in them dissipating.

"I'm quitting," he says after a time. His voice is hoarse.

"I'm quitting NERV 3066."

Rei continues quietly breathing and loosely hugging as Johnny eats at his own pace. Her eyes stay shut. She doesn't seem content, but she seems content enough, and that's all that really matters at the moment, right?

Then Johnny speaks. Rei isn't keeping track of the time. She doesn't know how long it's been since she started holding him; she doesn't really care, either, because it's the sort of experience that feels like it would be diminished if measured. Still, everything has to have an end point, and Rei slowly lifts her head when Johnny breaks his news. She looks at the Agent, opening her eyes. Her hands, padded with gauze mittens, barely even shift on his shoulder. Rei takes a long moment to respond.

She has a lot of complicated feelings to work out. Rei is, somewhere in the back of her mind, thankful that she's so drained that these feelings have a hard time coming loose.

When Rei does speak, it's just as quiet as it was when she ordered the Agent to eat. "Okay," she says, and that's that. It's not a judgmental tone. It's not a disappointed tone. It's not happy or relieved. It's just an okay.

Rei rests her head back down, touching her temple to Johnny's shoulder. Her grip shifts slightly. "I don't want to stop touching you," she notes, her voice plain and barren. "I'm sorry."

Johnny Domino, whose behavior has been fairly consistent in its apathy up until now, stops chewing. His eyes narrow. His body tenses. His stomach feels like someone had just punched it. This all happens after Rei says she doesn't want to stop touching him.

He didn't think much of the girl touching him before, assuming he thought about it at all. But -- much like a cosmic horror that doesn't notice you exist until you turn to look around and notice /it/ exists -- once Ayanami brings Johnny's attention to the fact they are touching... bile begins rising in the young man's throat.

He just killed someone. Strangled them with his bare hands. This was the first time Domino had ever done anything of the sort. It was nothing like killing someone on the battlefield, destroying their mecha, or shooting someone with a pistol. These things have a sense of detachment to them. Johnny Domino was very far away from death when he performed these actions.

But back then, with his bare hands... the memory of Leila's throat against his palms is still vivid. The shape of her windpipe, bending against his touch. His fingers, sinking ever deeper into her warm skin.

He murdered her. He murdered her! And after all the time they spent together. After all the--

No! She was not..! She was a LIE. Nothing about her was real. Not the memories, not the emotions, nothing about the experience was real! It was fake. It was fake. It was fake.

But no matter how many times Domino tried telling himself how fake it all was, he couldn't deny what Leliel had implanted within his mind. It may have been fake, but for Domino it was as real as Ayanami sitting there with her head on his shoulder. And then Domino rejected it all -- murdered the girl he thought he loved. His skin crawls at the thought.

Does he want anyone to touch him after this? Does he deserve the touch of another after what he has done? Does he?

And then the moment is over after it barely begun. The bile no longer rises in the Agent's throat. His body is no longer tense. His eyes are no longer narrowed. Johnny Domino is too exhausted for this.

He accepts Rei's touch. The girl who successfully reached him despite Leliel's veil now successfully reaches him despite his own storm of emotions. Swallowing, the young man reaches over to Ayanami. He doesn't turn to look, going by the blurry image in his peripheral vision. Grasping around, the young man finds Rei's palm, wrapping his fingers around it, offering his own touch in return. He feels the bandages.

"Your hand," he says.

Rei's hand doesn't blanch away from Johnny Domino's grasp. Of course, it's so wrapped up that one wonders if she can even feel anything less than a hard squeeze. The hands will heal, but they're not there yet.

From her position on the Agent's shoulder, Rei rolls her head slightly, one eye opening. "We all came away with something," Rei says, her voice a hushed whisper, as reverent as if she was speaking about church, as solemn as if she was speaking about death.

Rei's own internal torture -- well, it goes on and on, but right now, it's soothed somewhat. Even if she knows Johnny is hurting. Even if she knows there's nothing she can really /do/ for him other than let him walk away from NERV and hopefully find someone who can be there for him, someone who can be next to him when he sleeps, someone who won't die on him. She thinks about these things and it stops her from thinking about her own fate.

"We're both injured."

Rei buries her face in Johnny's shoulder again. Her eye closes. Her hug tightens subtly, almost imperceptibly. Her beret is jostled and falls down her back, landing on the floor with a noise louder than Rei's voice.

"Pain is the stimulus of pain," Rei whispers, her voice nearly inaudible. "But then, of course... nothing is cured." She sounds like someone else is speaking through her, like these are ancient words being funneled out through her lips. She doesn't sound comforting. She just sounds numb. "This is the world now."

In this moment of blank despair, as Rei delivers these strange, gnomic quips, she feels closer to Johnny Domino than she ever has. "Move a fin... and the world turns. Sit in a chair and pictures change." Rei's hand drifts down, slowly loosening itself from Johnny's grasp, moving to press its gauzy mass against Johnny's chest. "They try to eat us."

"And we get trapped."

"Or injured."

"Just..."

Rei trails off.

Johnny Domino has no clue what Rei is talking about. Even if his state of mind wasn't as fractured as it is now, it's doubtful the young man could fully comprehend the girl's intentions.

And so he simply sits there, allowing Ayanami's words to pass through him. Their content doesn't matter - all that matters is that they exist. As faint as Rei may express herself, the sound of her voice is like a lighthouse in the darkness. A near-invisible foundation which keeps Domino from crashing and drowning.

The young man exhales when a hand is pressed against his chest. Somehow, during this time, the cookie vanished. Only the empty wrapper remains in the Agent's grasp. When did he finish eating it? There's no trace of taste in Domino's mouth to indicate a cookie has ever been there. It doesn't feel as if he ate anything - his stomach is still as empty as before. His /everything/ is still as empty as before.

Yet, as he sits there with Rei, feeling her warmth, listening to the sound of her voice... Johnny Domino doesn't feel as alone.